I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
