She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
