hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Randomize
