Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
