I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
