So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
