I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We are two peas in an std pod
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
