oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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