You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
