Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Come on in and take your pants off
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