I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
