I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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