One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
