I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
