i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
