Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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