WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
