you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
