Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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