The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
