okay pat passed out under dana's car
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
