At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
