she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
