if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
