guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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