the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
