there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My vagina is very pro this idea
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
