I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
