my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
