remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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