Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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