Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just forgot I was standing up.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
