So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
