No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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