New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
