I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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