apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
