Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
