This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
