I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My breasts were aching with rage.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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