You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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