As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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