Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
