The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
