This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
