Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
