I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize