I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
