ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
