the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I met the friendliest cop last night
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
