Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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