If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
