shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
