cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
