Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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