life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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