I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
