i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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