i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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